I have been restless and unfocussed for the week. I have a new opportunity in front of me and I am excited.
I have been here before. Whenever I want something – tangible or intangible – I go through the range of emotions from great desire, to excitement, to hope, to anxiety that it is not happening fast enough. I love new things, new clothes, new relationships, new jobs, and new books. I love the feel of them, the excitement of not knowing and the challenge of figuring them out and getting used to them. When I find fit I feel good and I am on top of the world. This excitement makes me restless, dissatisfied with what I have and where I am, salivating over the newness, wanting the pleasure of the unknown.
This time is different though. I have been trying to pin my finger, wondering what was wrong. Then I realized that it is not the desire for the new that has me restless, it is my dissonance with the present that has me unreconciled.
I am displeased with my current situation and I have not admitted it to myself. I have been focussing on the new, thinking that when I shift gears the old will fade into the background as I immerse myself in the new.
That is a cop out.
I need to close the old before I move on to the new.
That is unpleasant business.
I have to deal with the disappointment and dissatisfaction around the current and look at my role in creating the situation. I have to be truthful to myself and see what I have done to bring me to my current position.
I know that I cannot change the other parties involved so I know that once again I have to decide and choose. This is painful. I have to pull out the things that I have swept under the rug, dust them off, clean them up and neatly pack them away.
I have to reexamine the new opportunity and my reasons for wanting it. Do I really want it? Was it a distraction from the current? Was it a crutch for me to lean on?
Time for honesty, choice and decisions.
I need to heal this sore before I move on. I need to stitch the wound, even as I move on. I need to deal with all the things that are outstanding and review my options. Leaping to the new is not going to solve the problems that I have with the old.
Today I resolve the issues around my current situation. I admit that I am no longer enamored with it and that it is time to move on. This morning I make a new plan and start saying good bye to the old, in my own way. Time to shift focus from the promise of the new, to the settling of the old. It is in putting away the old that I can truly experience the excitement of the new.
What in your life needs closure? What are you running to? What are you distracting your dissatisfaction with?