I am a positive person. Not a Pollyanna type. Just someone who sees the good in most situations. I am relentless in a pursuit and I have a way of getting things done. When I fall flat on my face, I dust myself off and go again.
Today I fell flat and I did not get up. Nothing obvious happened, yet I was down and could not summon the energy to rebound. So I stayed down, flat where I fell and wallowed a lot.
I could afford to do that today. It’s Sunday and I am home. The people around me have seen all sides of me, so they know that this is also part of who I am. I could mope around them, and not worry about what they think of me. They have learnt to leave me alone since they cannot help me nor do I want them to. It is not their job.
When I am like this I don’t need cheering up, I don’t need suggestions about how to feel better and I absolutely do not need a positive speech. I just need to let be left alone as the ill feelings flow.
If feels right to stay down, and throw myself a great old pity party. It is self indulgent, as I allow myself to fade, to take a leave of absence and just ignore the world for the day. I don’t have to be involved, I don’t need to reach out, I just need down time.
I prefer when down time involves fun, but I also appreciate doing nothing, having no thoughts and shrugging at the todo list.
I have no fear of these times, nothing is wrong with the awful feelings that come with them. I am okay to be off-center, I am fine with feeling like a loser and I make no effort to feel better. I accept this as the flip side of achieving; an essential part of my balancing act.
I know that there is no remedy for times like these. There aren’t enough good times, funny jokes, understanding friends, alcoholic drinks, pep talks to make the feelings go away. They cannot be avoided, covered up or pretended away. They wait until the doing is over to have their rampage.
I have learnt that it is best to not to fight the feelings, but to stay in the discomfort of them until they have had their way. I have learnt to not think about them, but to make room for them and accept that they too have a place in my life.
I don’t try to see what is it behind the feelings, or listen for a message since I know rationally that some issue that I have not come to terms with or am not ready to deal with has pushed them to the surface.
The feelings are just a finger wag telling me that eventually I need to act. For now, I don’t have to do anything, or find resolution because the feelings have heralded that the issue is going to show itself and I will not be able to ignore it. I have been warned. Now I will pay attention, but on some other day.
Tomorrow, I will get up, dust myself off and go again.
Do you ever feel flat? What do you do when you cannot get up?