I had a conversation with some colleagues yesterday about “What makes your heart sing?” It’s a question that I often ask clients when they seem stuck and it takes a while for them to answer.
I know what makes my heart sing and I do a bit of it everyday. I also remember the times when the loudness of the world drowned it out and I could not find it.
I lost my heart song when I stopped writing. When I made the decision to read for an Accounting degree, my heart stopped singing, never to be heard for the next eleven years.
It was not a conscious decision nor do I remember making an active choice. I just know that when I returned home after the first year of University I frantically collected all my poems, my notebooks of scribbles and burnt them all in the back garden. I wanted no memories of writing, I did not want to be haunted by the words that I traded in for numbers. I did not want to be mocked by my inner child’s desire of being a published author nor reminded that I was betraying my dreams. I had no love for accounting, it was easy for me, rational, ordered and balanced. All debits and credits, so I wrote off my heart to monetize my head. I separated my body, gave my mind to accounting and ignored my heart. With no attention, my heart shriveled and with it went my song.
For many years I felt lost. There were thoughts in my head that I could not express, as I listened to people who made no sense and I could not find a space where I was being heard. I was so confused that I could not remember the ritual of writing and how important this was for me. I lost my anchor, my connection and my safety and silently I went insane.
It is only when I left my accounting job, that the words came tumbling in. A small trickle every morning that grew to a raging river in the evening. It began with morning journalling, expanded to newspaper articles, then I published my own magazine and finally it culminated into a book, that grew into two. In my head there are two more books floating around and I am mustering up the courage to return to fiction.
The words joyfully rushed in returning my balance and my sanity, restoring my cadence with the world. My heart song is back and heart sings it joyfully everyday.
(Not that I have mine back, I am committed to helping others retrieve and restore theirs)
Have you ever lost your heart song? How did you get it back?