Lessons on Awareness. Blog 49, Day 49

The good thing about learning something new is that you can learn it and learn it again.  

I am the sort of person who works assiduously to close a skill gap,  in the shortest time possible, put a ribbon on it and move on to close the  next gap.

In the last three months I have been working on being more present and aware.  I have been deliberate about how I enter a room, present myself when working with people and slowing down to give people the opportunity to share in the decisions and intentions that I have in a conversation or piece of work. For the awareness I have been going inside myself checking in with my feelings, while I observe people and listen intentionally to what they are saying and not saying. I was very smug and proud of my new levels of awareness and presence.  I thought “I’ve got that covered.  I put in the hours. I am at a better place than where I started.”  

Today I was sharply reminded that some skill sets are not finite and that I have a way to go in applying them.

Today I accepted that there is no nth position with awareness.  I have to continue working with the skill, and not on it.  I have to let things come to me, be open and then I may be lucky enough to get it.

This is different and challenging for me, which excites and energizes me because the skill sets have no end.  This is a mind bending event since I have to work on the mastery of these skills on a daily basis.

This is new.  I have never worked on something and not gotten it.  I have never decided and chosen that I am going to conquer something and it did not happen.  I have never put in the work only to get the result that I need to do more work.

It means that my old models of decision and action leading to a chosen end result are no longer valid.  Now it seems that deciding to take action can leave me stuck in a cycle that takes me no closer to where I want to be.  The truth is that for the last three months I have been resisting the information, imagining that if I took action I will get to where I want to be.

Slowly I see the light.  Awareness is not about doing it is about being.  It is about letting things knock on my door and for me to open that door and face the blast as the feelings and observations rush in. It means that I have no control, I cannot plan, I just have to be present and in the moment.  The accountant in me shouts loud protests, because this is neither logical, practical nor scientific since I cannot predict and no results are guaranteed.   

It feels counterintuitive but I have to depart from my accounting sense of balance and swim in the vastness of new experience and the unknown.

This is true risk and truly unsafe, yet I acknowledge that this is the discomfort that I need to propel me forward to a new place.

So now I am committing to taking the risk to not control, to let things come to me, to slow down my lightning quick processing speed and adopt a new attitude.  New time and new life demand new skills.  My new mantra is that I cannot plan or control my awareness, I can only be present and let myself and others be.

What skill sets do you have to give up to get to where you want to be?

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