I never understood what people meant when they say, “It is difficult to connect with you.” I have some wonderfully amazing people in my life, who are not going anywhere, but what about all the other persons I have not connected with?
I have been unable to resolve statements about my being distant since I know myself as a deeply passionate person with a great desire for connections. As a result I have been often hurt by these statements.
Today I finally understood the meaning of those statements when a woman explained her experiences of me. She said that today was the first time that she felt close to me and could see my humanity. She said that she always saw me as having a plan A, a plan B and even a plan C and explained that even though I extend myself to people it never comes across as real because there is no real point of contact. She ended by contrasting these previous experiences of me with the one she had today when she saw my vulnerability and fell in love with me. In that moment she felt connected to me.
I understand what she means logically but I am confused by her confession. Why would someone not understand that because I have it together I do not have humanity. In a flicker I felt anger. Then I asked myself what is the anger telling me?
The answer was slow in coming. I hold both my logical rational mind and my emotional vulnerable heart, but the truth is I often do not show both. I only show my mind to the world, I love cautiously, I anger slowly and I keep my passion for my writing. I present half of myself to the world while I keep the other part safe, basking foolishly in the assumption that people know that the other half is there.
What I cannot see I do not know. What I do not know I cannot love. What I cannot love I can only fear. When I fear I cannot connect.
I put myself in the shoes of others and imagine that all they see of me is the achiever, the go getter, the practical rational logical decision maker without any trace of the human that I am.
All of this just leaves me thinking. How do I show that vulnerable part of myself? How do I show the world both sides of me? What do I hold out to the rest of humanity so that they can connect with all of me?
How do you show your vulnerability? How do you connect with the humanity in others?