Four Words – Blog 89

I have been planning this renovation for a while and in a week’s time it will begin.  The walls will be painted, the chairs redone, new cupboards installed, the windows treated and I even sprung for a new sofa.  I budgeted the monies for the renovations and did some private jobs so that I don’t have to take a loan, or dip into my savings or to suffer my monthly routine.

Now just days away from the start of the project I have not collected any monies from my clients.

This morning it was difficult to get going. I got off my bed, did my morning pages, had coffee but instead of changing and going to the gym I meandered back to bed.  It was after 8.00 a.m and I was still there.  I forced my self up off the bed, made it to the gym and returned home energized.

I got to the office and stayed by myself for most of the day.  Then I made faux pas turning a molehill into a mountain and I realized that the mood that I worked off this morning had wormed its way back.  I took the signal, and called it quits.  I needed a safe space, since something was up and I was completely out of sorts.

I turned to a dear friend and worked it out.  I was trying to control the money and when it came in.  Since my efforts around controlling it did not work ( I can’t write the cheque to myself) I was becoming more anxious about the fact that the money was not coming in.  The more anxious I became the more irritated I became, the more irritated I became the more annoyed I felt,  the more annoyed I felt the more irrational my behaviour.  I was continuing nicely along the part until I messed up and woke up.  It was easy for me to see that this was so not me.

As I sat with my friend I realised that without the cheques life was going on, I was fully functioning and nothing had changed.  Without the cheques I was still all that I am and everything in my life was more or less the same.

As I talked about it, I realized that I was adding unnecessary pressure to the situation because I was doing “what if” calculations to cater for a January 2015 event.  When I took that off the table things did not look so glum.  Together with my friend I devised a contingency plan just in case the cheques did not come through.

As the day draws to an end I am left with the words acceptance, trust, surrender and present (time).

I accept that I am not in control. I trust that the Universe will take care of me and I surrender to the will of the Universe.  I live my life one day at a time staying in the present time, accepting that now is all that I have, trusting that I am right where I am supposed to be and surrendering to the magic of the Universe.

What are you anxious about?  How is the anxiety manifested?

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