Nobody Knows It But Me – Blog 95

I have been walking around with this song in my head “Nobody knows it but me” a Babyface classic.  Every night for the last month I have been playing it and I kept wondering why.  It is a beautiful song but the words don’t fit my situation.  I don’t have a tabanca and I am not suffering from lost love.

Today I was thinking about myself and the way that my life has changed over the last decade.  My life has become quieter, I am saner, less impulsive, more cautious.  My world has shrunken, I am surrounded by safe people with small problems, who worry about how they look and if they should eat take out.  I realize that there are parts of me that I miss. I miss the impulsive, risk taking parts of me that would go anywhere at anytime, with or without company.  I miss that part of me that would leave a job and say “Money is all around me,” and survive. The parts of me who would spend the day with a stranger and leave without thinking about when next I would see that person and just interested that I connected with someone.  The parts of me that had enough, for whom life was enough.  I miss the part of me that was open to everything new, who was not interested in getting ahead, where a job was just about the experience. I miss the parts of myself that would just do something because…

I woke up two weeks ago and finally admitted that a stranger was in my bed.  I looked at her and wondered “Who is this woman I have morphed into?  Where is her passion? Why is she playing it safe?”

That’s what I don’t understand.  When did I become safe and sane? When did I get scared and conformed?  I am finally aware of what I am missing.  I am missing my passion.  Wikipedia describes passion as:

Passion is an intense emotion, compelling enthusiasm or desire for anything.

Enthusiasm originally meant inspiration or possession by a divine afflatus or by the presence of a god.

I have been playing that Babyface song for me, for parts of myself that I miss. I am dieing inside, and nobody knows it but me.  Like a clown I put on a show, nobody knows it by me.  These four walls close in more everyday.

I miss myself.  I miss my enthusiasm, I miss inspiration,  I miss the divine presence in my life.  And now that I am aware and have named it, I know that it is just a matter of time before I get it back. Passion in Progress. Exciting.

Yeah, wish I told her how I feel
Maybe she’d be here right now
But instead

I pretend that I’m glad you went away
These four walls close in more everyday
And I’m dying inside, and nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
Now I’m cryin’ inside and nobody knows it but me

Why didn’t I say the things I needed to say?
How could I let my angel get away?
Now my world is just tumblin’ down
I can see it so clearly but you’re nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin’ about the love that we had
And I’m missin’ you, and nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I’m broken in two
Now I’m nobody without someone like you
I’m tremblin’ inside, and nobody knows it but me

I lie awake, it’s a quarter past three
I’m screamin’ at night as if I thought you’d hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin’ you and nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart
A million words couldn’t say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I’ll be lovin’ you still

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
(Nights are lonely, oh, so sad)
And I just keep thinkin’ about the love that we had
And I’m missin’ you, and nobody knows it but me

Tomorrow morning, I’ll hit the dusty road
Gonna find you wherever, ever you might go
I’m gonna unload my heart and hope you come back to me

(Said, when the nights are lonely)
The nights are lonely
(Since you’ve been gone away)
The days are so sad
(And I’ve been missing you, baby)

And I just keep thinkin’ about
The love that we had
(I always thought you’d be right by my side)
And I’m missin’ you
(Yeah)
And nobody knows it but me
(Nobody knows it, no, nobody but me)

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin’ about the love that we had
And I’m missin’ you, and nobody knows it but me.

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