She turned to me and said, “I am doing this for you.” I thought for a while, then responded, “Please don’t do it for me, do it because you want to. I did not ask you to do it for me. If you are doing it then do it for yourself.”
When I make a decision based on what someone has promised I am trading my power of reason and choice for a promised result- If I decide X then you will do Y.
When I do not get what I bargained for I am left disappointed, wondering in a cloud of “should of” and “could of”. Depending on how delusional I am, I may feel angry or hurt, since the other person was unreliable or gave me false hope. When the trade works, I am happy, not because of the choice I made, but because the other kept his / her end of the bargain. Either way the decision was not about me. It was about the other person.
When I make a decision based on what I want, what I need and on what I want to do, nobody else’s thoughts or feelings, are part of the equation. I decide solely based on my beliefs. I claim the outcome, regardless of how it turns out.
When anyone makes a decision because of what they think I want I am not flattered. I feel the weight of the expectation and I am burdened by the responsibility to deliver something that I did not agree to. This is unfair.
I am a potential scape goat since I can be blamed for the outcomes, as the decision maker shirks all responsibility, and takes the wriggle room to say, “I only did it because of you.”
As I told all of this to my friend she listened intently and then said, “Are you having second thoughts? I am doing this for me but please acknowledge that I made these decisions for both of us.”
What decisions are you making for promised outcomes? What are you doing … for someone else?