It was not the first time that she expressed the loss. She felt that she was less than she was before, and she did not know why or how. She just knew that she was less.
She explained that before she was feisty and because of that made rash decisions that brought her suffering. For her own protection, to be more stable and responsible, she let go of that impulsive part of herself and kept the parts that were socially and professionally acceptable. She disassociated from those unpalatable parts since they did not serve her anymore.
I understood exactly what she meant because I had been to that place. I once decided that the erratic, spontaneous and unpredictable parts of me did not belong to my sanitized life. When I decided to “behave”, I cut off those parts of myself and I suffered for it. I felt fake, incomplete and in a constant state of need because I missed that wilder, untamed and truest part of me. I had to reexamine why I left those parts of me behind and reconcile the shame that I felt because of my mistakes. I had to reopen old wounds, poke around in them, let them bleed and wait for them heal.
As they healed, I admitted and accepted that at times I am erratic and because of that people call me crazy. I have learned to love my crazy, it is uniquely me and does not look like your crazy, because it is my crazy, a true expression of whom I am. I had to get comfortable with my mistakes and missteps and forgive myself for my indiscretions.
Now I have re-embraced this part of me I feel complete, whole and a lot better. I have let loose of the notion that any part of me needs to be reigned in or controlled. I accept that its ok for me to be crazy, erratic and to make mistakes. I love and celebrate my crazy. I am after all perfectly imperfect.
What parts of your crazy do you need to love?