5 Tips to Lead with the Use of Self

Today I am reflecting that leaders can lead using ourselves and that leading from whom we are is possible the most powerful leadership tool that we have and possibly the only one that we will ever need. 

When I think about the self, I’m thinking about the self as the physical, spiritual and emotional being. Leaders can integrate those three experiences to lead our teams effectively.

Yes, it sounds a little strange, but walk with me and hear me out. 

 I refer to myself as the CEO of this entity called Maxine Attong. Whatever I’m doing, I am first leading this entity and then leading others. 

When I think about the self, I think about two aspects of self. 1) personality and 2) self belief

My offer is not a psychological self. I will leave that for the social scientists.

‘m going to explain how these two aspects can impact upon our leadership. I’m also going to share some tips of how to engage this idea of self to effectively lead.

PERSONALITY

Personality is our way of thinking, how we are feeling and behaving. This includes our moods, our patterns of thoughts, our attitudes and behaviors.

What is your personality?
Does your personality change according to where you show up? 

Most of us belong to different groups, social groups, and professional groups. If we trace our interactions in those different groups and how we navigate each we will realize that we probably show up differently in each group.

We show up in professional settings differently from how we show up with our very close friend groups or how we show up with our football team. The language that we use, the emotions that we show and the attitudes that we display are different. 

A lot of my coaching clients share that they wear a mask when they get to work. 

They put on their professional mask and their persona changes when they walk through an office door. They leave a part of themselves somewhere on the commute to work and pick it up on their return.

• At the workplace, the attitudes and beliefs that you display, how much of that is you? 
• Under this veil of professionalism, what parts of you have you sacrificed?
• What part of your genuinely true, funny, creative, highly intelligent selves are you not showing up with? 
• What are you leading with under this mask, this personality that has been tailored for a particular environment?

What essence of you is missing? 

The invitation is for us to understand what mask we are wearing and to determine how it has impacted upon our leadership.

Consider that the strongest essence of who you are may just be missing in your leadership. The call is for us to establish

1. What mask we are wearing?
2. Is that mask serving us in the realm that we’re entering?
3. What other elements of ourselves can we inject into that mask to make a difference in our leadership? 
4. How do you lead with a mask on? 

SELF BELIEF

.This is trickier than the mask because our self belief determines how we look at the world and how we make meaning of what is happening in front of us.

For example, most of us have learned how to behave, how to treat and think of other people from whomever we’ve been listening to. The voices of the people who loved us, the people who raised us, the people we have experienced all play in our heads and heart.

Have you ever questioned if these voices are still relevant? 

Think about it. You learned a lot from your teachers, who were 10 to 30 years older than you. Now that you are in your 30s, in your 40s or your 50s are those voices still relevant? 

The way that our parents saw the world, the things that they experienced, what they told you about people who look a certain way or who behave a certain way, is any of it still relevant? 

The world has changed so much in the last 20 years. 

If our self belief is hinged upon what we learned from those voices is our self belief relevant? 

How do those self beliefs show up in our leadership in terms of how we behave and how in terms of our attitudes and most definitely in terms of the way we treat other people?

Oscar Wilde said, “Most people are other people.”

 Who are you when you show up? 

What is your personality when you show up and what is your self belief? 

A BEAUTIFUL GARDEN

Consider this a story.

A woman tended her garden with beautiful flowers, every morning. One day, she became ill and was bedridden. Her son, who loved his mother dearly and knew how important her garden was to her, made a commitment to this garden until she recovered.

Each day he watered the flowers, and cleaned the leaves. 

After three months his mother recovered. 

He excitedly said, “Mom, I took care of all of your plants.”

When she saw her garden she began to cry. 

Her garden was in ruins and she and she yelled at her son. 

He in turn was confused. He said, “Mom, I took care of your garden. I cared for each and every flower and each and every leaf.”

His mother then said to him, “The life of a plant is in its roots. They are invisible. You forgot to water the roots and the result is visible in the complete devastation of my garden.”

It is easy to tend to the flowers that we bloom and or leaves. As leaders we have to pay attention to our roots. We need to examine our self-belief and our personality to ensure healthy roots,

I will share five tips on how to lead with ourselves from the root of whom we really are.

1. Understand and know ourselves. How can  we understand other people if we don’t understand ourselves? We need to understand our virtues, our vices, our attitudes, our perceptions, what makes us tick, what makes us mad or what makes us sad. Most of us know our strengths and weaknesses and this is just the tip of the iceberg, because that is about skills and competence. We need to know whom we are deep inside. We need to be aware of what motivates us, what drives us, our limitations, what we believe about ourselves. We need to go deeper and understand our inner critic, that voice that says you’re not good enough and where this voice came from.  It is critical for us to us to know what where our self belief emanates from.
2. Honor your story. You have a particular story that makes you unique. Tell your story in a positive way to yourself. You are not a victim because you have survived and you have thrived. Tell your story in a powerful way that makes you claim that narrative in a way that removes all shame and eliminates any suggestion that you are not good enough in this story. It doesn’t matter what was done to you, and by whom. What matters is that this is your story and you honor your story by seeing it in a really, really positive way. Yeas you can do this and tell the truth.
3. Understand your emotions. Do you know why you’re jealous of some people? Do you know what makes you sad or do you even know what it is to feel sad when you’re feeling sad? When we understand the emotional range of whom we are we unravel a huge piece of whom we are. 
4. Empathize with yourself – I’m still learning to have great empathy for myself. It’s very easy to project and have empathy for others and to walk in their shoes and to give them the benefit of the doubt and treat them as if they are coming to you with best of intentions. What would it be like to do this for yourself? What would it be to look at yourself as the little child who resides inside of all of us. What would it be like to deal with ourselves with great empathy and believe that we are operating every day from our best self?  How about giving yourself the benefit of the doubt? 
5. Pay attention to your emotional and physical sensations  When I understood myself, my emotional range and I began to have great empathy for myself, I began to zero in on the emotions of other people . Then I realized that I am a mirror for you, just as you are a mirror for me. The physical and emotional sensations that I have when coaching an individual or facilitating a group allow me to be better and more effective coach and facilitator.

Leading with the use of myself was one of the most powerful lessons that I’ve learned over my leadership journey  

This is my lived experience and so I ask leaders to understand and accept  themselves.

What are you walking away with after reading? Which of these tips do you want to try? What has been you experience.

Drop me a comment I would love to learn your story.

• Leaders, let us understand our flaws, our brilliance, that we are perfectly imperfect, that we make mistakes, and that we have sparks of brilliance. 

My intention is to fuel your leadership spark so that together we can co-create in the systems that we live work and play within.

Our 4^th annual Gestalt Leadership Caribbean Conference – Leading with Equity is on April 29 2021. This year we are discussing Leading With Equity. This is a virtual event.

Register at maxineattong.com5

It’s a Matter of Trust

She knew the woman for years, they shared dreams, consoled each other and celebrated together. She explained that while she still had affection for the woman she could no longer be in relationship with the woman because she could no longer trust the woman.
Her reaction and her pledge to abandon years of friendship, made me pause in deep reflection and ask myself, “Do I trust others? Do I need to be trusted?”

Do I trust others?

I release you from the expectation that you have to live up to my trust. My trust is not a badge of honour for you to wear. I remove from you the burden of being trusted. You do not have to jump through hoops to earn my trust, you do not have to keep proving that you deserve my trust. I lighten your burden, as I do mine. I no longer have to decide whom to trust or whom not to trust. I free myself from searching for evidence of whether or not you should be trusted. I am unfettered by the ramifications of broken trust.
You are free to be who you want, do what you want and say what you want in relation to me. Your words and actions will have consequences.

Do I need to be trusted?

I have released myself from needing your blessing of being trusted. I no longer genuflect at the altar of your trust, waiting for you to bestow the magic words, “I trust you.” I am unfettered, I am free.  I free you from judging my actions, looking keenly to see if I meet the trust standard. You now have one less task. I do not need or want you to trust me. I want you to relate to me. I am free to be who I want, do what I want and say what I want in relation to you. My words and actions will have consequences.

What about trust?

I trust myself. The trust that I place in myself is universal – it is  vested in all of us. This trust is in you too. You do not have to trust me, you need to trust yourself. And as you trust you and as I trust me our interconnected-ness grows and our humanity expands.

Trusting others

When we place our trust in others, we are putting our internal on the external. We weaken our connection to  self. We ask others to care for something that only holds true value to us. When we make demands to trust others we are also asking them to give up valuable bits of themselves.

Broken Trust

When our trust is broken, the hurt is deep, because we suffer an internal wound. When our trust is broken it takes a long time to heal, because it is an internal wound. When our trust is broken we feel unsure and it takes a while to recover because we have betrayed ourselves.

Trust

I believe that we are all interconnected as human beings. My trust is for me, as yours is for you. When I trust myself and you trust yourself, all the rest will fall in place.

Tell me, whom do you trust?

Maxine Attong is an Organisational Development Consultant, author and coach. If you enjoyed this post, please share with you colleagues, friends and network

(Featured image by Good Morning Quotes)

Five reasons to fire a client

I fired a client today and my soul rejoiced.
I was hired to complete a project that was stalled for two years. This was a good contract. The work was challenging, the duration was to year end and the contract price would comfortably cover all my expenses well into the new year. It seemed serendipitous since I declared the week before that I needed a client to see me through the end of the year. Like a lot of good things in my life, this contract was effortlessly attained. A third party introduced us, the client, his staff and I had several meetings, I submitted a proposal, we signed a contract and I started to work.
When the work started, I started observing the client’s behaviour, listening to the staff and seeing patterns emerge. Slowly, I became aware that this was not the client for me, not did I want to serve the client, he was just not the client for me. As I reflect on the experience I realised that there were signs all along that shouted at me, even though I took a few weeks to listen to the messages.

Client has a pattern of changing consultants– When I reviewed the artefacts left behind by the previous consultants, I noticed that the client half-answered or evaded questions about the the same dubious practices. When I reviewed the files, I noticed that there were several references and recommendations about the same issues, which voided the argument that the client’s practices were due to ignorance.

The client’s business partners are not your type – Even though I was not directly doing business with the client’s partners, they were not people that I wanted to associate with or be associated with. Professional circles are small and the client notified several of his external stakeholders about my involvement in the project. Therefore by association I would be seen as dealing with the same characters as my client was.

Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde – My client presented a squeaky clean image, spoke a lot about God, and was polite and reverent in his responses to me. Yet the documents and his dealings with staff told a different story. The data did not line up with the client’s version of the truth, and the staff told tales of a short tempered man, who was harsh in his criticisms. The staff confessed that they were only staying for the duration of the project since they believed that they would benefit from interacting with me.

You bring the client home – When my sister confronted me and said, “ You talk about him a lot,” I realised that even though I was not complaining, the client, the staff and the staff’s tales were weighing heavily on my mind. I was not happy with the situation.

Forget about the money – Ah the money. It’s hard to ignore the lure of a pay-cheque when you’re not seeing another to replace it. I had to instruct myself “ Pretend that there is no money. Will you want to work with the client?” When I answered a resounding, “No”. I knew that it was time to remove myself from that equation.

It’s not about me – It is hard for me to walk away from a client, because I’ve been trained to complete what I have started, and to give service when it is needed. I sincerely believe that the collective intelligence and creativity (of me and my clients) are enough to solve almost any problem and that most people want to do better, and will do better once shown how.  This client reminded me that it’s not just about me. Regardless of my principles , my vision and my purpose I have to accept that people are entitled to their own agendas. Therefore when the client’s agenda does not mesh with mine I can make some choices – change my agenda to mesh with his, stay and promote my agenda or leave. In this case I chose to leave.

What clients do you need to fire? What would you do differently if the money was not part of your decision?

Maxine Attong is the author of two books – Change or Die – The Business Process Improvement Manual and Lead Your Team to Win. She works with leaders to create more effective and efficient organisations. She is a Keynote Speaker, a Gestalt Organisational Development Consultant, a Certified Professional Facilitation, Evidence Based Coach and a Certified Accountant.

4 Tips for Servant Leaders

 Maxine I totally agree, I think most of us suffer from the hero leadership syndrome so to speak. In my more humble moments, I think about my lord and saviour whose example of leadership, i.e. servant leadership served him well. He knew when to listen, when to talk, when to give, and how to receive. He practiced the virtue of waiting, and had the courage to admit mistakes and take responsibility. He did all this through serving others (host). By hosting (serving) there can be no loss because everyone wins and the problem/challenge is managed for the best outcome for all. – Delia Joseph GM – PMSL

The phrase “servant leadership” was coined by Robert K. Greenleaf.  In his 1970 essay, The Servant as Leader, he shares “The servant-leader is servant first… It begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead. That person is sharply different from one who is leader first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions”

While Delia’s feedback indicates that she views leadership from a religious perspective, her thoughts are very much aligned to Greenleaf’s idea of the servant leadership. (They both view servant-leadership as a life philosophy, as well as, a leadership style.)

Servant leaders share power. They encourage, support and enable team members to unfold their full potential and abilities and invite team members to participate in planning work and making decisions. Characteristics such as trust, empathy, collaboration and the ethical use of power are necessary for this type of leadership to succeed. These leaders bravely debunk the idea of the leader at the top of the food chain and willingly share responsibility and accountability to create more effective teams. Leaders who practice servant-leadership know that this is not an easy path, since it does not preference personal egoistic needs, and often goes against most of what we have learned and seen in leaders – leading from the front, making all decisions, taking full responsibility, delegating, managing, co-ordinating.

For those of us who want to adopt this noble practice I offer four tips, to keep you on track:

1. Establish Boundaries – In all relationships there are non-negotiable values or principles that we hold dear. Determine what these are for you personally and lead with these in mind. Share these with team members and seek to understand what are their non-negotiable values. Just as the host limits the access of guests to areas of her space – perhaps her bedroom – so too the servant leader determines his boundaries.
2. Self Care – Serving others can be draining. After attending to the needs of  others, the server must extend self care to himself, to give himself the opportunity to restore, rejuvenate and to rest. Servant leaders need to retreat, to have a sounding board in someone that they trust, and to take time outs for themselves by themselves.
3. Saying “No” -Saying “No” is essential for maintaining boundaries and practicing self care. Without “No” boundaries become negotiable and self care is optional to the whims, desires, wants and needs of others. The leader articulates “No” without feeling guilt or shame knowing that she is not being egoistic. The leader says “No” believing that she is standing in her personal power, true to her principles and serving the needs of the team .
4. What would Jesus Do? For those of us who approach servant leadership from a religious perspective, let us ask ourselves “What would Jesus do?” Jesus was a complex man, who from an early age questioned and challenged the status quo. While he was humble and served his people he was great at setting boundaries, saying “No”, speaking his truth, standing up for what he believed in and having courage. He showed a whole other side to the kid version of gentle Jesus, meek and mild.

What type of leadership do you practice? What tips do you use to keep yourself on track?

Maxine Attong is the author of two books – Change or Die – The Business Process Improvement Manual and Lead Your Team to Win.  She works with leaders to create more effective and efficient organisations.  She is a Keynote Speaker, a Gestalt Organisational  Development Consultant, a Certified Professional Facilitation, Evidence Based Coach and a Certified Accountant.

Managing change

I’m pretty good at managing change. I get excited by the prospects of it, I am enthused by the answers to “What if?”, and generally I operate in a state of awe.

There are spells of time when I feel overwhelmed. The anxiety of not knowing coupled with the uncertainty of it all makes me wish for a crystal ball. I throw pity parties, ask “Why me?” and I wallow in self doubt.

Most times it’s OK to sit with these dark and uncomfortable feelings since it’s important to process the feelings. However, when I admit that I’m being self indulgent then I know it’s time to answer the 15 questions.

As I’m dealing with major change in my life I have had to answer the 15 questions ( more than once).  The answers provide a reality check, remind me of the possibilities and help me to manage the change which I cannot stop or control.

1. How do I keep myself going in this time of change?
2. What routine can I stick to?
3. How do I center myself when stuff hits the fan?
4. What role does my personal vision play at this time of change?
5. What quality of life do I want when the dust settles?
6. What is my catastrophic fantasy ( about the change)?
7. Who can assist me now?
8. What attitudes do I need to change to get through this?
9. How can I maintain focus?
10. What is the role of my beliefs at this time?
11. How do I keep it all going when my beliefs are challenged?
12. What dreams can be fulfilled (after the change) that can’t be fulfilled now?
13. What am I holding on to ( that prevents the change from being an opportunity)?
14. What do I need to let go of (to embrace the change)?
15. What will be my joy in this time of change?

Which question resonates with you? How will it assist you in your time of change?

Maxine Attong is the author of two business books – Change or Die – The Business Process Improvement Manual and Lead your Team to Win. She is a speaker, coach, Organisational Development consultant and of course an accountant.

Train-wreck

You can’t stop a runaway train, once it leaves its tracks, there is nothing that you can do. You know how it will end – there will be damage and debris and some things will perish. All you can do is clear the area where you think the trajectory may end wait for the train to stop, assess the extent of the damage, and then begin the clean-up.

In the last three weeks, the train left its tracks, and I am watching and waiting to see where it will end.

I’ve gone through the shock of the derailing, the frustration of acknowledging that I am powerless to stop it and the anxiety of trying to predict the fallout. Now, I accept the futility of these emotions, and that they are misplaced since I do not own the train.

The derailing is not my choice, it is not a change that I planned for or predicted. This will have a huge impact on me and so, because of the importance that I placed on the train it began to invade my thoughts, take over my conversations and diverted my focus. So I had to get quiet and stop.

Whatever the train represents to me will be gone and I mourn that. I grieve the train for what it was, it was a vehicle, it was a source, it was a tool, it was a resource, and it was a means. It gave and generously provided for me and in many ways it changed my life. I am grateful for the train, the beneficial experiences, the new thoughts that were generated and the new knowledge that I gleaned.  I enjoyed the ride and I will miss the luxuries it afforded me.  I realise now how much I adored that train and the high value that I placed on it. I confess that my thoughts about my personal value increased while I rode the train ( even while accepting the notion as false).

Now I’m back to facing the truth.  The truth is that I existed before the train, and I will still be here after the crash. The train does not define me and it does not establish my value. The plans and decisions that I made while on the train remain valid. My desires for myself remain intact. I will walk away from the wreck, with new experiences, new knowledge and different perspectives. I will walk away from that wreck valuable, and whole. I will walk away from that wreck knowing that the train was an experience and another step in my life journey.

What is/ was your train?  What happens (ed) when it is/ was derailed?

Maxine Attong is the author of two business books – Change or Die – The Business Process Improvement Manual and Lead your Team to Win. She is a speaker, coach, Organisational Development consultant and of course an accountant.

 

Boast much?

I like to listen to boasters. I think that they have part of it right – tell the world what you’ve done and share every experience that you have.

I know what’s behind the boasting – the need for attention and external validation.  They are not showing off, the are trying to show up – to make themselves relevant, to claim a space and to have others pay attention.  They want to be heard and seen, just as the rest of us. They are braver than the rest of us to seek what they need.

The rest of us are caught up in being polite. We don’t want to offend others. We are like those kids who are not supposed to speak unless spoken to, so we wait for someone to invite us, to tell what we have done or what we are proud of.  We want to play small.

I encourage others to boast.  Sometimes I start workshop sessions inviting participants to boast, to share what they have never said, to wow others with their degrees, the things they have done, the awards they won back in primary school, the politicians they had breakfast with, the movies stars they grew up with.

Most people are uncomfortable with the notion, they laugh and ask, “You want me to boast?” I respond “Yes, I want you to boast.  Say everything that you’ve ever done.  Exaggerate if you want to. This may be your one chance to legitimately boast.”

Participants timidly start and then they get into it – remembering the medals, the races they won, that they were the first one to …

Everyone gets excited – the boasters and the listeners – as they learn new things about each other and see each other in new light. “I never knew that you were…, I didn’t know you did that.”

I watch their faces, their eyes light up, their gestures become expansive and there are lots of smiles and laughter.

This week I invite you to boast.  Let people see who you are, let them know about what you’ve done.  Let them see how big you are.

What are you going to boast about?

P.S.  As you boast don’t do what irritating boasters do – don’t shamelessly drop names, don’t talk above others as they tell their story and when your listeners get that glazed look, stop talking and invite them to speak.

Maxine Attong is the author of two business books – Change or Die – The Business Process Improvement Manual and Lead your Team to Win. She is a speaker, coach, Organisational Development consultant and an accountant.

Protect your vision

Feedback from CK – Protecting your vision resonated with me,

Ever watch something grow? Think of a foetus in its mother’s womb, or a caterpillar in its cocoon, or a seed that is buried below the warm earth.  These things take shape in the dark, with no light, away from prying eyes.  In the dark they feed and receive the care they need to grow until they are ready – the baby is born, the butterfly emerges and the first seedling sprouts above the ground.

This miraculous process of creation is repeated daily for us to learn from it.

Your vision is your baby, crafted in your heart, brought to fruition in your mind and it needs nurturing and darkness to grow. The first trimester of a pregnancy is fragile, the cocoon hangs precariously from the bottom of a leaf, and many planted seeds never grow. Give your vision a chance to grow in the dark.  Let it roll around the recesses of your mind, let it resonate in your heart and check that it makes your heart sing. Give it the love it needs to grow and when it is ready to emerge it will.

Just as a baby who emerges before its full term can be in a precarious position, so too with your unformed Vision.  Putting it out there before you are fully confident about it, may leave it gasping for breath and you may never be able to resuscitate it.

Figuring out your vision is an exciting moment. When I knew that my Vision was to “enhance the lives of others” I felt energised and I wanted to tell everyone. After the first barrage of questions, I froze because I had no idea how to bring my vision to fruition. That made me feel like a fraud because while the words sounded good I had no action to back it up. I had to listen to my heart, dig deep to reboot my confidence that this vision was for me.  I then spent time understanding how to translate my vision to action … and that took some doing.

Your vision is important, its what you were put here to do, protect it, grow it, nurture it until you are confident that it can face the elements around you.

You know the people around you – the ones who can care a small baby, the ones who will not tamper with the cocoon and the ones who would wet and fertilise the planted seed..  These are the people who you can risk sharing the vision with before it is fully formed – and it is a risk.

The job of protecting your vision is not done when it is fully formed, or when it is  shared with those around you. The seedling and the baby both need care to come to fruition. Your vision will be challenged through out the course of your life.  Events, self doubt, priorities, finances, children. relationships, health and other issues  may threaten your vision at any point in time.  Your job – protect it at all costs.

How would you protect your vision?

Maxine Attong is the author of two business books – Change or Die – The Business Process Improvement Manual and Lead your Team to Win. She is a Keynote Speaker,  Executive Coach, Organisational Development consultant and of course an Accountant.

I love my crazy

It was not the first time that she expressed the loss. She felt that she was less than she was before, and she did not know why or how. She just knew that she was less.
She explained that before she was feisty and because of that made rash decisions that brought her suffering. For her own protection, to be more stable and responsible, she let go of that impulsive part of herself and kept the parts that were socially and professionally acceptable. She disassociated from those unpalatable parts since they did not serve her anymore.
I understood exactly what she meant because I had been to that place. I once decided that the erratic, spontaneous and unpredictable parts of me did not belong to my sanitized life. When I decided to “behave”, I cut off those parts of myself and I suffered for it. I felt fake, incomplete and in a constant state of need because I missed that wilder, untamed and truest part of me. I had to reexamine why I left those parts of me behind and reconcile the shame that I felt because of my mistakes. I had to reopen old wounds, poke around in them, let them bleed and wait for them heal.
As they healed, I admitted and accepted that at times I am erratic and because of that people call me crazy. I have learned to love my crazy, it is uniquely me and does not look like your crazy, because it is my crazy, a true expression of whom I am. I had to get comfortable with my mistakes and missteps and forgive myself for my indiscretions.
Now I have re-embraced this part of me I feel complete, whole and a lot better. I have let loose of the notion that any part of me needs to be reigned in or controlled. I accept that its ok for me to be crazy, erratic and to make mistakes. I love and celebrate my crazy. I am after all perfectly imperfect.

What parts of your crazy do you need to love?